I am floating in a chasm, it feels, balanced somewhere between here and nowhere. I can hear a distant pulsing, almost as if the swirling mess around me is alive with fervor. I am suspended.
That is truly how I feel right now. I feel like I am on the verge of something big. It all started when I began reflecting upon this blog; my thoughts trailed from one post to another, analyzing my overall growth. While I do know that i have taken leaps and bounds in my recovery, even in these past weeks alone, I also sense a tiny orb of “incompleteness”. I can’t explain it, nor can I fully describe it, but I know that it’s there. It’s real.
What is my goal for this blog? What is my goal in recovery or even in Life as it encompasses me?
Those are the types of questions that have been pinging back and forth in my brain, like dots that won’t sit still long enough for me to connect.
I wish I could go back in time and sit my younger self down, explain to her all of what Codependency is, and send her packing on a journey towards self-discovery and self-love. If that were an actual, tangible facet of this blog – the ability to transmit my writings back in time to a younger me – it would have set my purpose apart from the get go. Sadly, that is not the case. It is too late for the younger me. But there are hundreds and thousands of young adults who could benefit from the wisdom I never received at their age.
Blogging simply to vent my feelings and connect with an online community is no longer satisfying the growing passion within my heart. The more I write, the more I feel as though I am missing a bigger picture. I want to change the world. I always have. And the further I venture out onto this precipice, finding my place and balance in this world, the more I want to share my excitement and my lessons learned with a generation of young girls that remind me of me. But is that just the Codependency in me talking? Is my own journey not enough to satiate my need to be needed?
I really don’t know the answer to that question. The desire to “help” is a dangerous place for a Codependent like me, and I know that. But something in me is stirring. It is demanding to be felt, and I think it may be time I listened.