With the necessary precursor discussion of Love Languages out of the way (you’ll understand why it’s important in just a minute), I can move on to the next mini-series I have had planned for awhile now. On this recovery adventure that I have been on for the past 2 years, I have discovered something fundamental to my understanding of how I see the world: I have a “Codependency Filter”! It is this distorting mechanism through which I process and analyze situations, and it skews my reality into an irrational, convoluted, and emotional mess.
So I wanted to start a little sequence of posts that discuss just what this looks like, not only for the purpose of sharing, but also to stimulate deeper conversations and illicit meaningful advice.
The topic up for contemplation today is “the need for Quality Time and Physical Touch”. Ah, here is where my previous post plays in.
Now, this is what reality tells me about my current Love Language situation is like: “J absolutely cares for you. He shows it whenever he buys dinner, cleans up after the dog, checks the liquid levels in the car, opens your door…the list goes on! Surely, you can be more lenient and understanding when it comes to not receiving the exact displays of devotion you were expecting, right? It doesn’t mean he isn’t thoughtful. He just expresses it differently than you are used to. Different doesn’t mean absent. So when he has takes a travel job he cannot refuse, trust that he loves you deeply, and he isn’t doing it to deliberately hurt you. It’s just part of the gig.”
My Codependency Filter takes the information and boop bop beep bop…this is what I hear: “J definitely loves you. You can’t deny that. He just doesn’t care enough about your emotions and feelings to make an effort towards meeting your needs. That’s why it’s so easy for him to take jobs that just whisk him away to the other side of the country for months on end; it isn’t that important to him. YOU aren’t that important to him. Even though he knows that by leaving he is forsaking your needs for Quality Time and Physical Touch completely; he just doesn’t care.”
For a long time, I was oblivious to the fact that I had these distorting blinders on that funneled my vision and focused it onto details that just weren’t true, and I lived a very miserable life. My self-esteem and self-worth were at rock bottom. To this day, I have yet to find a way to get that darn filter off for good (I’m not even sure you really can), but I am now at least able to recognize its effects. Whenever I feel as though my Codependency Filter may be firing, I take a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, or whatever time frame I need to stop and process what is really going on. I try my best to separate myself from the situation at hand and see the bigger picture for what it really is, not just what I may be perceiving it to be. It has made a difference thus far and has allowed me to better handle my Codependent thoughts.
I am definitely a work i progress, but you gotta start somewhere right?
This was just an introductory look into this series. Stay tuned for more in-depth “decostructive” examinations! I hope you are as excited for this ride as I am.