I feel like I’ve been walking around with a cloud above my head. I have been anxious, tired, and all around in a bummy mood. Partially, it’s due to the stress of work and school. My case loads for both have increased dramatically recently; however, I think it is also credited to my turbulent sleep patterns.
But I’m ready for that the cloud to dissipate. And the best way to counteract negativity, I have learned, is to focus on the silver linings of my life.
As I had mentioned in my previous posts, I have been struggling with dreams of abandonment. Well, last night I was sharing this information with boyfriend (who we shall now refer to as J) as we settled on the couch together after a long day. These are my favorite moments – when the world finally stills, my mind finally quiets, and I simply get to rest with the man I love. So I was telling him that I have been struggling with anxiety due to these dreams. Now, he could have reacted in a negative way, especially since he understands Codependency and knows there’s a sense of “neediness” associated with the connotation. He could have turned to me and said, “Well that’s your addiction talking. You need more of me, and it’s unhealthy”. But he didn’t (thank goodness). He instead looked right into my eyes and asked if there was anything he was or wasn’t doing that was maybe causing my subconscious distress. To be honest, there wasn’t anything that came to mind, and I told him accordingly. So he dropped the subject. Throughout the rest of the evening, though, he was deliberate in mentioning how much he loves me, cares for me, wants to be there for me and take care of our family. Each time he said something along those lines, I felt as though he was extending me grace and acceptance. It was almost as if he was saying, “Your feelings matter to me even if they don’t necessarily make sense. And I love you enough to take you as you are”.
Those are the kinds of people us Codependents, or really anyone who wants to keep protect their emotional wellbeing, need to surround ourselves with on the daily. We need to search for those who will understand our struggles, but who are not quick to point them out in every situation or criticize instantly; those who are slow to speak and quick to love; and those that are able to discern when it is time to advise and when it is time to listen. Trust me, there have been times that J has needed to be tough with me and point out that my Codependent side was starting to dominate a certain thought or behavior, but he always, always did it with kindness and gentleness. And for that, I cannot be more grateful.
J is a good man; but even more so, he is good for me. As a Codependent, that is the ONLY way I can justify being in this relationship. He makes me better. Make it a point to surround yourselves with these kinds of people, and keep the rest at a safe distance. I promise you will see greater progress towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Now I’m off to go catch up with my maaaan. Pretty sure I have good dreams in store for me tonight.