Progress Sometimes Comes at a Price

I found the blog my coworker writes to recount her life and struggles. I know it is her because of the anecdotes but also because of the pictures.

A little backstory is required here:

In June of 2014, I started at a new job. The department I was posted in is comprised of 99% males and deals with the technical aspect of our business. Me, being the new, young girl who could unintentionally cause a lot of misunderstanding to occur with an overly vivacious personality stayed mostly to myself. I wasn’t about to reach out and make friends until I got to know the company culture a bit more. Thus, it was a welcome relief when a particular female coworker (let’s call her B) reached out to me via the inter-office chat line. We started messaging back and forth and quickly realized we had much in common! So we went out for drinks, got to know each other, and quickly became great friends. B introduced me to another female coworkers of ours (D) and before we knew it, Thursday night happy hours were penciled into our weekly schedules.

After the course of some time, B began to open up to me about her struggles with addiction and relationships. The problem with that is, she had no idea that I am a recovering Codependent. Her needs, her desperation, her “brokeness” was my Heroin, and she laid it all before me on a silver platter. But I had already begun my recovery journey at that time and knew that I was standing on a slippery slope, balanced on the edge of what could be an extremely dangerous situation. Despite my inner hesitancy and boyfriend’s worried warnings, though, I continued to allow myself to be whatever she needed me to be. It all came to a climactic crescendo one night after a few rounds of drinks. She was angry and accused me of being a manipulative Witch with a capitol B. Her words made me realize that the help I thought I was providing her was actually putting me in an extremely uncomfortable situation due to the nature of her secrets – she was cheating on her boyfriend (who is my direct junior at work) with our friend D. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to save myself for the sake of my progress and really, possibly for the sake of preserving my amicable work environment. So I distanced myself. Initially, I hoped I could continue to be a part of her life and still maintain my own mental integrity. That unfortunately wasn’t the case, and I felt myself regressing. My world was starting to revolve around her issues. So I deliberately began to talk to her and D less frequently, easing myself from the middle of the drama, and eventually we drifted apart.

Fast forward 6 months to present day. I found her blog. It is filled with her sorrow, her struggles, her addictions, her anger, her past, her mental health, and her deep depression. Everything in me wants to pick up the phone and reach out to her….to fix her. But I can’t. I KNOW how selfish I sound. I really, truly do, but I’m not at that healthy place yet where I can handle her level of need without losing myself again. And I know she thinks I am a horrible person for pulling away, but I have to. She wrote a blog post about me. An extremely ANGRY blog post. And the Codependent in me really almost gave in to at least explain that I’m not a bad person. But even doing that will open another door, another line of communication, that I cannot risk creating right now. She is currently seeking professional help, so I know she is in good hands. I just have to trust that one day, she will find peace and maybe she can look back and see my actions with clarity.

For now, I have to trust that I am doing the right thing with the best and purest of intentions. So I will maintain this level of distance. Abstinence is my greatest friend here, and I stand behind Him with an aching heart.

With peace,
-Freedom